Dear Harlan: How can I be nice to the woman who had an affair with my dad? I have to be around my dad and his girlfriend over the holidays. I hate being with them. I don’t even like looking at her. I’m supposed to be a good daughter, but how can I respect someone who is such a terrible person? I don’t want to spend time with my dad, but I’m being forced to go. How can I get through this?
— Dreading December
Dear Dreading December: You have every right to be angry and hurt. Your world has been turned upside down. You’re looking for someone to hate. This woman is the perfect target. But this is where it gets tricky. There is so much more to this story. Your parents had a relationship long before this woman entered the picture. You don’t know what was going on between them. An affair is a symptom of other problems. The exact problem isn’t your business. It’s between your mom and your dad. Some marriages don’t work out. You can be mad at this woman, but it’s not going to change anything. Hating her isn’t going to fix anything. Tolerate her. You might realize that while you don’t agree with your dad’s choices, she isn’t as horrible as you might think. The relationship that matters the most is the one you have with your dad. Focus less on hating her and more on appreciating time with your dad.
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