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Want to get over ex? Move from pain to permission

Woman boxer on white backgroundDear Harlan: My boyfriend of almost two years and I recently broke up. I’m determined and excited to finally meet the right person for me. I’ve been hanging out with my friends and trying to get out more. However, there are times (especially at night when I’m alone) when I start getting sad about the breakup. It felt like a slap in my face. I know you would say this is OK — not everyone will want to stay with me forever, and I have to accept that. But is there any way to move on faster? I really want to let go, and I am trying. It still hurts.

Ready to Move On

Dear Ready to Move On:  Please, stop beating yourself up. Every time you focus on the rejection, it’s like taking a slap to the face.  Your brain actually processes rejection the same way it processes physical pain.  That’s why it still hurts. You’re literally beating yourself up. Want to heal?  Move from pain to permission. Meaning — give him permission to not want you.  Don’t hate him for not wanting you.  Give him permission to have a different plan. Know that you’re still interesting, smart, sexy, dynamic, and wildly desirable. Upgrade.  Spend time working to love yourself.  Find a better man to love.  When your thoughts start to drift to the past, be grateful for the love you’ve shared.  Then, focus on the love you have, not the love you lost.

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