Dear Harlan: My dad is always so hard on me. I feel like he easily gets disappointed in me. He tells my business to relatives and rarely has anything positive to say. He also doesn’t like the person I love. It’s something that has bothered me for a while. How can I bring this up without having it become a fight?
— Disappointed Son
Dear Disappointed Son: Most kids want their dad’s approval. It’s painful when someone you love and respect doesn’t support your decisions. There are three ways most kids react in this situation. The first is to hate or hide. This means distancing yourself to avoid the criticism and avoiding him at all costs. The second is to work harder for his approval. This means getting him to change his point of view or changing your behaviors. If he refuses to approve of your decisions and you refuse to change, you can also end up hating and hiding. The third is to give him permission to feel however he feels. This means accepting The Universal Rejection Truth of Being a Child. This law of nature says that not all parents will ALWAYS agree with or respect the choices and decisions a child makes. Accepting this truth means giving your dad permission to feel however he feels without conditions. It means asking him why he feels the way he feels and trying to understand his point of view. It’s understanding that you can be right and he can believe he’s right. You can ask him why he feels the way he feels or choose not discuss this with him. If you talk to him about his feelings, listen without trying to win him over. His thoughts will either reinforce your decisions or force you to reflect and make changes based on what feels right for you. But don’t try to change his mind. Try to understand and inform him. The rest is up to him (and nature).
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