Dear Harlan: I’m a graduating high-school senior. My parents and I keep getting into awful fights. It starts with them yelling at me about not being prepared for college in many aspects, which include school, friends, parties, laundry. They also feel sad because they think they’re the reason I’m not “prepared.” However, I think I’m prepared, and them saying this stuff to me stresses me out. What can I say to prove to them that I’m prepared? — In the Middle
Dear In the Middle: It’s not about you. It’s about your parents freaking out because they are losing control of you. Big fights the summer before college can be how families react when dramatic changes are coming. It’s part of preparing for separation. The more they love you, the more they may push your buttons. Want this to stop? Don’t fight. The minute you yell, you lose — even if you are right. Instead of yelling, remind yourself that it’s not about you. Wait a few hours and talk to them. Tell them you love them, but their questioning your ability to take care of yourself is shaking your confidence. Then, explain your plan for making friends, managing your social life and doing your laundry. If you don’t have a plan, ask them for suggestions instead of criticism. Then, ask your parents to change their story. Every parent has a story. Some tell negative stories as a way of lowering their expectations so they don’t get hurt. Some tell positive stories. Explain that you know there will be challenges, but you’re going to prepare and plan to face them. Instead of getting upset, let their fear lead you to find people on campus who can help you find answers.
Note to parents: When you tell your child a story that’s filled with doubt, fear and general lack of support, your child will not feel confident, strong and supported, and you will not be in your child’s corner.
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