Dear Harlan: I’ve been dating a man for five months. We moved in together a month ago. He is depressed, grew up being verbally abused, is extremely insecure and gets upset a lot. I’m strong, independent, outgoing and very confident in myself and my sexuality. Lately, I’ve been getting very stressed and frustrated with him. I’m feeling the need for space because he’s being so upset, needy and insecure about me and the opposite sex. I’m not promiscuous or outrageously flirty; I’m comfortable with myself and get along very well with the opposite sex. Along with our regular disagreements and his sadness, I’ve been having dreams about other guys, especially one of our friends. The friend recently told me, nonchalantly, that he might have upset my boyfriend by telling him that he would have slept with me had it not been for my boyfriend. Almost six months ago, I left the country to travel and teach kids around the world. I’ve been more confused since coming home. I’m starting to wonder if I’m subconsciously blaming my boyfriend for my missing out on life and causing my frustrations. I think I’m missing out on guys who have been hitting on me, because I have been with very few people. I’m now realizing I could get quite a few guys if I wanted. I can’t stop thinking about sleeping with our friend. Basically, I’ve been thinking I should move out to better our relationship and try to mend things between us. Do the constant fantasies about our friend mean anything? I’m confused. What do I do ? – Second Thoughts
Dear Second Thoughts: There are two types of relationships: crutches and complements. People in crutch relationships can’t stand on their own two feet and use a partner for balance. When one partner no longer needs a crutch, the relationship can get unsteady — especially if the other partner still needs a crutch. On the other hand, there are relationships that are complements. Complementary relationships are balanced, healthier and less complicated. No one needs the other to feel complete. You need a complement. He might need a crutch. None of this is confusing from here — you might have outgrown this relationship. Sounds to me like you don’t need the crutch of a relationship. Time apart could be the best gift. But do not sleep with that “friend.” It was manipulative and wrong of him to tell you what he said. He’s a big creep. You can do better.
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