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Chivalry isn't dead, it's just on life support

Happy Young Couple Having Fun Outdoors. Man helping attractive gDear Harlan, I want to make it clear to all men that “hanging out” is not a date. I’m not interested in hanging out. I would like to date. How do we change this? Since chivalry is dead, how do I get a guy to ask me out on a date instead of asking me to hang out at his place?   – Done Hooking Up

Dear Done, Chivalry is not dead. It’s more on life support. It’s a soft murmur on the cusp of extinction, but it will never die. Not as long as men like me model what it means to be chivalrous and women like you demand it. Here’s the problem: We live in a world where respect and intention are no longer a necessary part of courtship (if you can call it that). Hookups, apps and casual sex coupled with a widespread fear of rejection and an inability to take risks makes dating optional. It’s optional because you can get the prize without doing the work. It’s like the lottery. Why risk getting hurt when you can just hang out, hook up and get lucky? But now that drunk hookups are too dangerous (there’s no legal consent when someone is drunk), there is a need for another way. Things are going to change. In the meantime, you need to tell men what you want. I know you don’t want to tell men because you expect men to just know what to do, but we don’t. Stop expecting and do more directing. Tell them what you want. You can do it in a playful, flirty and interesting way. When a guy asks you to hang out, tell him you prefer dates. Then follow up with, “I wouldn’t say no to a date.” Direction doesn’t reek of desperation. It communicates confidence and clarity – date me because I like you, but I’m not going to hook up with you. When you demand respect, you will command respect. When you fall in love, and should you have children, you can model what it means to live in a day and age of chivalry. We can change this one chivalrous child at a time.

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