Dear Harlan: I’m a junior in college and have a crush on this girl. I don’t drink or go out that much, and neither does she, which is pretty rare on our campus. We’re decently good friends, but not extraordinarily close. I’ve kind of confessed my feelings once in the past year. She explained that I’m her “favorite person,” but said that she just doesn’t feel the same about me as I do about her. However, my friends (both girls and guys) say that she probably does have feelings for me, judging by the way she acts. And her friends, when drunk, tell me that she really does like me and could even see herself marrying me, and say that she’s just been telling me that because she doesn’t want to ruin her chances with me if we got together now. What should I do? – Mixed Messages
Dear Mixed Messages: Give her permission to NOT want you. You’re not the feelings police. Your job isn’t to investigate how she feels and report back to her. She told you: She doesn’t want to date you right now. Respect her boundaries. The next time her drunken friends tell you that she really likes you, make it clear that you’re going to be a gentleman and respect her feelings until she lets you know otherwise. In the meantime, get out and meet other women. I guarantee once you have other women in your world, this one will be far less important. And you will be far more attractive to her. Volunteer, participate in service trips, consider doing something spiritual (there’s not a lot of drinking during Bible study). Once you start meeting and dating other women, this girl will see that she might lose her favorite person. Then, she might be more motivated to date you. One thing I know: Waiting around and trying to persuade her to date you will never change her mind.
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