Dear Harlan: I’m a junior in college, and throughout my years here I’ve been with several girls. The thing is that it’s almost always a hookup at a party, with alcohol involved. And she almost always wants nothing to do with me afterward. You’ve written about how it’s better to meet someone sober and ask her on a date if you are looking for a relationship. I have done that, but I have gotten feedback from several people that I come on too strong or appear desperate or clingy. I have gotten the advice that I should let girls come to me and meet me on common ground, and by ignoring them and seeming not very interested, they will be more attracted to me. Is this true? What is the right balance in the game between pursuing an attractive girl and trying to get to know her and having her reciprocate that interest? -Joe
Dear Joe: Drunk is way too dangerous, man. Not only are you getting hurt, there’s no such thing as clear legal consent when drunk. Dating is not about having game or treating women like garbage. It’s about being authentic. If you’re not being yourself, it will become too exhausting. And that’s when you lose. Start being your authentic self by figuring out this “coming on strong” reaction. Understand exactly what that means. Ask these women. If these people are telling you the same thing, it’s probably true. After you understand their feedback, make a choice. Continue to be the same “come on too strong” kind of guy and trust that the right women will find it attractive, or change your approach. Changing doesn’t mean losing your authentic self or playing games; it can mean creating a life that has more balance so that you can feel less needy. It can mean doing things you love to do and building a social relationship with women doing the same things before jumping to something romantic. Changing can mean meeting more women so you have lots of options and appear less desperate. Changing can mean talking to a therapist to figure out how you can get better at identifying social cues from women.
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