Dear Harlan: I’m a 61-year-old divorced woman. I recently had a joyous reunion with a group of friends I hadn’t seen for many years. One is a divorced man with two grown children. He and I conversed easily and now keep in touch on Facebook. I invited him to meet me somewhere in the U.S. for an event and he responded quite enthusiastically, so we began to plan where and when. My intent was not to “hook up.” In fact, I said I expected to get my own hotel room and pay my own way. He offered a slightly suggestive comment that I laughed off. Of course, at some point we needed to talk about the arrangements by phone. When we spoke, he said, “So, you’ve been divorced for 20 years and haven’t dated anyone?” I was struck speechless. A couple of our mutual friends had asked about my life a short time before, so it was obvious they’d relayed details to him, maybe to facilitate a romance. All I could offer was silence. How does a person say, “Why, yes — I’ve been in a cave for 20 years — and here’s why.” I didn’t provide details because it’s a heavy subject and a long story: My ex-husband was a narcissist and sociopath who wanted sex before we married, but stopped wanting it as soon as he had acquired me; we had no wedding night. He used my love and loyalty to help him get through 10 years of college and three degrees. I believe he cheated on me with women and men. There’s more, but you get the picture. So, back to the man I’d like to know better. How can I answer his question without this long story? I’d love to be married again, but I’m afraid to try sex for fear of disappointing him and fear of pain for me. – In a Cave
Dear In a Cave: Hey, girl, you’re hot. The man believes it. He doesn’t care about your past. He likes you now. I know you’ve been through hell. But stop blaming the past. Find a therapist, connect with a support group for survivors of abuse, and lean on friends who love you. Unlock those sexual feelings and invite someone over when you’re ready. This man wants to be with you because you’re awesome. Your past isn’t a problem for him – just you.
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