Hi Harlan, My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We have lived together for three years. We are in a healthy, loving relationship, and we both feel a lot of pressure from our peers to get married! We are part of the Catholic community, and so many of our peers have gotten married before deciding to move in together, and haven’t been together for as long as we have. Since my mother died in 2010, my dad is getting back in the dating game, and also is thinking about marrying a woman he has been with for less than a year. My boyfriend and I don’t want to get married, or even engaged, until we are both finished with our undergraduate degrees, and until we are more financially stable. Even though it has been six years, we look forward to marriage when the time comes, whereas our peers seem to be under the impression we aren’t willing to commit by tying the knot in a hurry. What is the huge rush in getting married? And why is it so seemingly unacceptable to want to graduate and get settled before jumping into marriage? I am sick of all the, “So, when are you guys gonna get married?” questions every time a new anniversary hits, or when we are asked how long we have been together! Happily Not Married
Dear Happily Not Married, So, when are you not going to get married? Trick question. I don’t really care if you get married. Doesn’t impact me (unless you’re secretly dating my wife). The bigger question — why does this question bother you this much? When an innocent question becomes a big problem, the problem isn’t the question — it’s the feelings triggered by the question. Maybe you secretly do want to get married. Maybe you’re afraid of getting married because you’re scared it will ruin what you have. Instead of blaming people for asking you an innocent question, figure out why you have such a big problem answering it.