Dear Harlan: I just recently began speaking to and having physical relations with my ex-boyfriend. He tells me he doesn’t want to date me, yet he texts me every day and has been visiting me often. I’m keeping my distance, but am falling for him again. Is this a bad thing? If he hurt me once, how easy is it for a guy to repeat his mistakes?
Back to Ex
Dear Back to Ex: Know those huge billboards in Times Square? The ones that cover 50-story buildings? Imagine the words “BAD IDEA” spanning the entire side of one (each letter spanning 100 feet tall). Then, imagine each letter lighting up in big bright flashing lights. Then, imagine fire shooting out of the billboard to highlight each letter. That’s how bad of an idea this is. You’re bored, you’re lonely and you feel like no one will ever want you. This guy wants to sleep with you – not date you. That’s all. I repeat: He doesn’t want to date you. That’s what’s happening. Instead of spending your time hooking up with a man who doesn’t want you, focus on why you think this is a good idea. Something is wrong in your world. This has nothing to do with an ex — it has everything to do with you being in a bad place in life where you think this is as good as it gets. This is a bad idea.
I understand your situation. As a man, I have been tempted more than once to do the same thing. It’s a temptation that many men face: how to get the most sex with the least amount of effort. If you aren’t making him “earn” physical intimacy with you by demanding that he treat you with respect and at least buy you dinner first, then he’s basically using you for your body. (Setting aside, of course, the whole patriarchal notion that sex can ever be “earned,” it can only be given and taken). If you think there’s something wrong with being used for your body like that, then to answer your question: YES THIS IS A BAD THING and YES HE CAN HURT YOU AGAIN (VERY EASILY). My advice: wait for a real man to treat you right; it’s worth the wait.