Dear Harlan: I’m in a relationship that has become physical too fast. I don’t want to turn him away, but I’m not comfortable with sex being so important so soon in the relationship. How do I transition my relationship away from just having sex all the time? – Slow Down
Dear Slow Down: You’re having sex; this means you should be able to talk about anything. I mean anything… religion, politics, bad breathe, body odor, birth control, pants that are too tight, and sex that happens too fast. If it makes you uncomfortable, talk about it. Have this conversation while sober, during daylight hours (or before it gets too late). Do it face-to-face (no texting). Make this about you and your feelings, not him or what he’s doing wrong. Remind him that you’re incredibly attracted to him (if you are) and absolutely love spending time with him (if you do), and then explain why you need to slow down the sex. Help him understand why (this means you need to understand it yourself and put it into words). If he listens to you and respects your boundaries, you’ll grow closer. If putting the brakes on sex ends the relationship, he’s not the right guy for you, which probably is what you fear and are afraid to figure out.
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