Dear Harlan: Is it wrong to tell a girl I’m only interested in her for one night? There is a girl who I’ve been getting to know for the past couple of weeks. We have a powerful connection, but I’m not looking for a commitment. I get the feeling she’s into me. Should I just go with it and talk about what I want after we hook up, or mention something before? I don’t want to hurt her. At the same time, isn’t she equally responsible for telling me what she wants?
— Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: Do you see how you’ve avoided taking responsibility for your actions? Sure, she can communicate her feelings, but you are only responsible for sharing your feelings and listening to her. There is no room for assumptions or lack of communication when it comes to sex. There is something called integrity. It means following your own moral compass to make decisions in alignment with what you feel is right or wrong. You know what feels right. You just don’t want to express yourself because if you share the truth, she might not want to be with you. She might want something you can’t give her. And that’s exactly why you should tell her. Sex means something. Integrity means even more. When you tell her the truth, make this about how much you respect her. Make it clear why you aren’t interested in a serious relationship with anyone right now, but you really enjoy being with her. Give her a choice. The act of being honest and respectful will make you that much more attractive. It will also help you sleep much better at night — even if you’re sleeping alone. Be a person of integrity, and make sure she wants to be with you for all the right reasons. For all you know, you might discover she only wants you for your body.
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