Dear Harlan: My girlfriend is bipolar and attempted suicide when she was a teenager. She is now in her 20s and has gotten help. She is on medication and sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis. She also works full time in a management position (she has a graduate degree) and runs marathons in her spare time. Everything about her is healthy and strong. Her father has struggled with depression, and I know this can run in families. A part of me is worried about getting too serious with her because of this history. She is open about her past. She tells me that she is in a better place in her life and has learned from her past. Still, I get concerned what would happen if she were to relapse. I think about her getting pregnant and suffering from postpartum depression. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. She is almost perfect. I don’t know how to bring up my fears, or even if I should bring them up. Should I be concerned? — Battling
Dear Battling: During a 2011 interview, Oprah Winfrey discussed how she contemplated suicide when she was a pregnant 14-year-old. She was filled with shame after years of sexual abuse and admitted to making poor choices. She was sent to live with her father. The baby died shortly after birth. Oprah saw this experience as a second chance. She used it to create a life that has impacted countless people. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated 9.3 million adults (3.9 percent of the adult U.S. population) reported having suicidal thoughts in the past year. It’s more common than you might think. Your girlfriend’s life experience is what makes her who she is today. She has professional care, exercise and tools that she didn’t have when she was a teenager. Instead of focusing on her suicide attempt and how much it scares you, focus on how this event changed her for the better. Come from a place of interest, not fear. Ask if she ever gets worried about having these feelings again.
Understand what she would do if she felt this way again. Know your role. Let her know that you want to understand. The more comfortable you can be with the past and how she manages the present, the less this will be something that worries you. Life is so fragile; each day is a gift. People who understand and appreciate the gift of life and are self-aware know how to get help, find support and live life to the fullest. Her past struggles and everyday victories are what make her the strong, self-aware woman she is today. I get why her past scares you, but how she handles the present should reassure you.
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