Dear Harlan: I have a daughter who is going to college in the fall. She doesn’t think being safe is an issue that is relevant to her. She comes from a safe community where little happens. We have explained that sexual assault is a threat in college. Her way of thinking makes it hard for us to trust her judgment. What can we do to help her to see that this is something she needs to be aware of? We want to help her, but how can we do this if she doesn’t believe it’s a problem? — Protective Parents
Dear Protective Parents: First, you rock. You are the MOST influential people in her life. You need to talk about this. Even if she doesn’t respond the way you want, she will hear you. Instead of forcing her to think the way you think, start with the way she thinks. Rather than questioning her judgment, acknowledge that her life up to this point has been safe and secure. She’s fortunate. Instead of telling her what she needs to do, ask her questions about sexual assault on campus. Don’t make the conversation about her behavior or poor judgment; make it about assault on campus. For example, ask “Do know if sexual assault happens on your campus? What type of sexual assault-prevention programs does your campus have? Why do you think sexual assault is such a big issue? What would you do if something like this ever happened to you? Have you seen the stories in the campus newspaper about assault on campus? Do you think anyone expects this to happen to them?” Fear isn’t going to get her attention. Use facts. No one expects to be a survivor of sexual assault. According to data cited by the National Sexual Violence Center:
- One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.
- 46.4% lesbians, 74.9% bisexual women and 43.3% heterosexual women reported sexual violence other than rape during their lifetimes, while 40.2% gay men, 47.4% bisexual men and 20.8% heterosexual men reported sexual violence other than rape during their lifetimes.
- Nearly one in 10 women has been raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime, including completed forced penetration, attempted forced penetration or alcohol/drug-facilitated completed penetration. Approximately one in 45 men has been made to penetrate an intimate partner during his lifetime.
- 91% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and 9% are male.
- In eight out of 10 cases of rape, the victim knew the person who sexually assaulted them.
- 91% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and 9% are male
Remind her that she will hear a lot about sexual assault and survivor resources on campus – it’s required as part of Title IX education. When gathering facts unique to her campus, encourage her to talk to the campus police, ask current students on campus, check out the Cleary Center (clearycenter.org), visit www.notalone.gov and know the resources and support services on her campus and in the community (RAINN.org).
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS CONVERSATION: Remind your daughter that no matter what happens – it is NEVER the survivor’s fault. And you will ALWAYS be there for her.
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