Dear Harlan: My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He still wants to hook up, but doesn’t want to be committed. We still spend time together, but we’re no longer a couple. I want to be with him, but this isn’t working. — Broken
Dear Broken: Of course it’s not working. You want to date someone who wants to hook up with you. See the disconnect here? You absolutely know what you want, but you’re too scared to express it. You must set firm boundaries. If he wants to hook up with you, he needs to date you. If he doesn’t like you enough to date you or isn’t ready to commit, he can hook up with someone else. Hanging out with him will just give him another reason to NEVER NEVER NEVER date you. The only way you can get what you want is by telling him what you want and being committed to moving on if he can’t respect your boundaries. I know this scares you. It might mean being alone or not having him as a friend. But that’s part of setting boundaries. It’s how you demand and command respect. Men respect women who set boundaries and stick to them. While it’s painful, this is all part of building a healthy relationship. The hardest part of setting boundaries is sticking to them. Make sure you have interests, friends, and a life that fills you up with happiness with or without him.
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