Dear Harlan: I can’t tell you how tired I am of hearing that women don’t want a nice guy. That was the line my current husband used on me. I was honest with him from the beginning that I was looking for a permanent relationship, would work hard to make it last and that porn was a deal-breaker because it ruined my two previous relationships. He swore we were in total agreement and were looking for the same thing. Three years later, it was like a switch was turned off: He refused to stay overnight at my house, but I was a welcome “guest” at his house, and sex was nonexistent. I tried to discuss things with him and was told that I worry too much. We married last August, and two weeks ago he told me that we should go our separate ways. When I asked what happened, he told me he had never intended to be in a permanent relationship and that he was desperate when he met me, so he would say anything to get sex. Apparently the line about women not wanting a nice guy works very well. He figured I would just get tired of his in excusable behavior and leave him like all the other women he has dated, and then he could keep the “nice guy” image with his friends and family. The nice-guy line also was used on me by my first husband, as well as my long-term boyfriend between husbands. My first husband was verbally abusive to me while he was secretly cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. My long-term boyfriend admitted that he only dated me because he thought I had money, so he wouldn’t have to work. When I got tired of the excuses for not being employed and called him a deadbeat, he physically assaulted me, so I ended the relationship. As far as I’m concerned, there is no such thing as a nice guy. Been there, done that. – Not Nice
Dear Not Nice: I’m so sorry these men have been so awful to you. They were NOT nice. But please, don’t let them ruin my entire gender for you. Once you’re in a place that you can look back and reflect on the past, figure out what went wrong (talk to a therapist). Were there warning signs? What could you have done differently? What was your role in each relationship? Figure out what you have the power to change. The answer will change how you meet, date and set boundaries inside a new relationship.
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